Sliced Bread 2: The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

That ripoff superhero registry website sent me another load of stuff. Most of it was the same crap as last time, but there was one costume catalog that amused me briefly. The idea was you could order capes and masks and boots and gauntlets and leotards and build your own costume that way. I guess you had to provide your own insignia.

Anyway, the thing I found interesting was the mask section. I flipped through it and thought about all the masks I had seen these people wear over the past couple of years. Basically there are eight types:

1. The Cookie Cutter. This is the standard boring kind of superhero mask; it covers the entire top half of your head, has eyeholes, and leaves your mouth and jaw exposed. Icecap and Surefire have these. Not so popular with your female superheroes, who tend to opt instead for...

2. No-Frills Cookie Cutter. Same as above, but the hair is also exposed. I guess that women tend to have more hair than men, and it looks weird if you crunch it all up under a mask. Ms. Moxie and Daylighter wear this one.

3. Full-Face. Just what it sounds like. Not used often. Glory B has one of these, but she's kind of a special case.

4. ...To Be Hung By The Neck Until Dead. It's like the Full-Face except it's not a mask. It's a hood. I'm not sure what the advantage is; it seems to me that the eyeholes would get shifted out of position a lot. This is Greyghost's choice, and One-Eyed Jack's.

5. A Cloud Of Dust, A Silver Bullet. This would be your basic domino, or Lone Ranger, mask. Doesn't really do all that much to conceal the identity. Your discerning superhero will attach this with adhesive instead of a string around his head. Prowl has one of these masks.

6. Picture Frame. It's... I can't describe it. It's not a mask at all. It's like a ski mask that leaves your actual face bare. I really don't understand the point of it. Neontetra has one of these, but he's a weird sort of cat anyway.

7. No Mask At All. It's surprising the number of superheroes who don't bother hiding their faces in the first place. It's also surprising how they get away with it. Bob doesn't wear a mask, but he doesn't really bother with the whole secret identity thing in the first place. Mr. Scarab, same thing.

8. None Of The Above. This is the catchall category for superheroes who hide their heads in something other than your standard mask. Perseid, with her helmet and goggles, belongs here.

When I was flying around scarfing pennies, the last couple of weeks, I wore a mask. Like anybody cared who I was. The mask was a Cookie-Cutter. Which just goes to prove that I was never meant for this lifestyle in the first place.