Sliced Bread 2: The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

The only eventful part of our journey to the dragon’s cave--the ambassador gave us excellent directions, plus a little magical doodad so that the dragon won’t accidentally kill us--was our run-in with the PFB*.

I already wrote about the part where I suddenly woke up in a kind of a pit with the princess, and I don’t feel like doing it again. Basically the two of us were in a kind of grassy hole surrounded by butterflies, Her Highness wouldn’t wake up, and Perseid was nowhere in sight.

I took some time getting my stuff together--a lot of it was covered in honey, which I totally didn’t get at the time--and seeing if I could see any way out. The sides of the pit looked pretty much unclimbable, but I gave it a shot anyway. (Unclimbable.) So I sat back and posted the first entry about my imprisonment in a hole in fantasyland. I had just finished when this little glowing thing starts buzzing around in my head, like a neon bee.

Without thinking, I swatted it. It looped away crazily, then homed back in on me and streaked toward my face. I ducked and swatted again, but missed, mostly. I felt a stabbing pain in my cheek and was immediately disoriented and drowsy. I shook my head and tried to get to my feet, but fell to my knees, almost collapsing. I swayed.

As it happens, in recent months I’ve become really, really good at resisting sleep. So when I finally did topple over, I was... well, not faking, exactly, but I sure wasn’t asleep. And when I felt something walking up the bridge of my nose, I was able to give it a good fingerflick.

Whatever it was landed in the grass about eight feet away. Upon closer examination it turned out to be an inch-tall woman, glowing gold, with wings and a sword, now lying gasping and stunned like a landed fish. I picked her up. "What’s the idea?" I demanded.

She sputtered something at me in another language--I guess--and started fluttering her wings intricately. A silver cloud began to coalesce all around me. I did the first thing I could think of to disrupt her--I put her in my mouth and swished her around. (Note: her sword was still on the ground.) The cloud disappeared, and I spit her out into my palm.

"Had enough?" I said.

She looked up at me, shocked. Then she gestured and her sword appeared in her hand. I clapped my cupped hands together and she reeled from the concussion.

"Stop it," I said. I didn’t want to kill the little freak, but I didn’t know what else I could do to stop her from screwing with us. What other option was there?

Got it. I pulled out my PDA--not the one I’m typing this on; I have another one that isn’t connected to anything--and turned on Minesweeper. It took about fifteen seconds of demonstrating the game in front of her before she was hooked. She was still happily playing when Perseid showed up and hauled me and the princess out of the hole.

*Psycho Fairy Bitch