Sliced Bread 2: The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

These people will drive you nuts. The Pioneers finished in the toilet again this year, so obviously their team could use some help. Fine. So what do they do? Sign Malcolm Garcia for $15 mil over three years!

You guys. You're always complaining about how you don't have the money to compete with the big teams. Don't you see how stupid this makes you look when you spend lots of money to sign bad players?

Garcia can't hit. He fluked out a bunch of home runs two years ago and has done nothing since. He's not a particularly good outfielder, he insists on trying to steal bases even though he gets thrown out all the time, and the last time he drew a walk it was a national holiday in Nicaragua. And he's 29, so it's not like he's still developing.

God. If you can't sign anybody good, keep the money in your pockets. Use it to give the fans a break on tickets. Put it into your minor-league system. Anything but clog up the roster for three years with this human barnacle. Christ, I'll play left field for you for the major league minimum if you can't find anybody else. I'm not even as good as Garcia but you'd still be better off.