Sliced Bread 2: The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

What really annoys me is salsa. Occasionally I want chips and salsa for a snack, but when I go to the store, what do I find? They have mild salsa. I don't want that. They have extra hot salsa. I don't want that. I just want regular freaking salsa. But do they have it? Actually, they do.

But it's extra chunky. I don't want that.

Regular. Regular medium average normal goddamn salsa. Is it so much to ask? I don't want it to be extra hot or extra mild or extra chunky or with capers in it or anything. I want plain salsa. They don't have it. It's like an ice cream store not having vanilla. It's like a paint store not having white. It's like--I don't know--a drugstore not having Pringles.

And the other thing that really annoys me is the whole peanut thing. Everything you pick up, it has a label that says "May contain traces of nuts." Well, let me just say this. When I buy a jar of peanut butter or a container of Rocky Road, I don't want it to say, "May contain traces of nuts." I want it to say, "Guaranteed to contain a giant assload of nuts." Why the hell else am I buying it?