Sliced Bread 2: The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

Greyghost was on his way to an abandoned research lab out of town to spy on a meeting between supervillains Optimus Crime and Statelocker. He learned about it from an informant codenamed Babyblue. Then I got a call from another informant, this one codenamed MallRat.

See, Greyghost has dozens of informants that he consults regularly. I don't know a damn thing about them, which is how everybody wants it. I know how to get word to them, and how to collect their info. That's it. I don't even know names; just whatever codenames they agree on with Greyghost.

So anyway. MallRat said, "Basically this guy Optimus Crime is setting a trap for Greyghost. He's planting a rumor that will get Greyghost to go check out his hideout, but really there'll be a bunch of guys there to basically beat the shit out of him. He either shouldn't go, or bring a lot of backup."

I didn't tell him that Greyghost was probably already there. MallRat's an informant, not an informee. "Thanks, bud," I said. "There should be something extra in your account next week."

I called Greyghost's phone. No answer. Crap.

I ran down the list of the superheroes with penphones. Who could get there fast? Cassie, but she was busy; Shadow-Falcon, but I wouldn't trust him for this... I sighed and dialed a number.

"What?" Icecap answered.

"Greyghost is walking into a trap and you're the only man who can save him," I said.

"So you need my help."

"Yeah. Here's the address--"

"You called me an asshole in front of Greyghost and Torque and everybody, and now I'm supposed to do whatever you say."

"Yeah, I did, I'm sorry about that, but he really needs help, and--"

"Oh, you're sorry. Okay, then," Icecap said, "I'm on my way. You just have to do one thing for me first."

"There's no time."

"It won't take that long. Repeat after me--"

"Are you going?" I asked him.

"Yup. Repeat after me: 'Icecap isn't an asshole. I'm the asshole and Icecap rules.'"

"Icecap isn't an asshole. I'm the asshole and Icecap rules."

"Now say, 'I suck. I'm a soggy little bitch who kisses superheroes' asses because they're better than I am.'"

"I suck. I'm a soggy little bitch who kisses superheroes' asses because they're better than I am," I said.

"Now, 'I don't deserve to live. All I'm good for is pooping my pants.'"

"I don't deserve to live. All I'm good for is pooping my pants."

"Okay," Icecap said. "Give me the address. Always nice talking to you, Dennis."

I gave him the address.

Two and a half hours later, Greyghost strolled in, having just delivered Optimus Crime and four other supervillains to the cops.

"You all right?" I asked.

"Mm. Icecap was very helpful."

"Good."